So much for writing each day

I just typed out a beautiful well written entry, when I was timed out and it didn't post.

Arggurggle I'll do it later.

Save it grrrrrrrrrl

"I think that any man who believes that women should be treated with extra care and "politeness" is deluding himself into thinking he is a great guy. His lack of equality in the treatment of human beings belies a person who is likely PATRONIZING and BELITTLING. But of course, HE sees it as being "polite" and caring, and chivalrous: "Don't you worry your pretty little head about that. I'LL take care of it." "

GAH!

I missed a day yesterday. I didn't write in my lovely newly acquired blog!
I didn't have much to write about. Lack of sleep (the usual)
Went iceskating (the suzie-wednesday usual, although it was thursday)
Pined over unrequited love. Ah.
I'm going tanning for lunch. That's right, for lunch I will bake myself!

And write later? to make up for a lost yesterday? I will try that.

It's what you do to me

I need sleeping pills.
I need 4 months to go by.
Not because I want this to happen, even though I really really do.
But because I want to see if it can happen.
So in that four months I'm going to transform myself into the awesome person I know I can be.
That is my goal.

pedestals and the like

I see this too often.

Girl falls for boy, girl places boy above all of her friends.

Why do you do it, girl?! Grawrl.

You know you're going to be hurt. You know you are going to fight with him. What are you going to do when you have noone to go to but him?
Stop leeching off his emotions, stop being dependant on him for your happiness.

I know I'm irresistable.

But DON'T DEIFY ME.

Dangerously in love

Witty banter.

Blurry pictures.

Being alone 12 days later.

I am complete.

Dig deep, little grasshopper

Found a quote:

"I’ve never been happy with myself. I’m too fat, too ugly, too geeky, too sensitive. But I guess I’ll never be able to receive the love and attention I so desperately crave until I learn to love myself."

Too true.

I want him

And I will get what I want or remain celibate and unattached.

I'm irresistable.

I couldn't count on my fingers and toes how many guys want to date me.
That might sound a little egotistical, but its completely true. Problem is, I don't like any of them. I don't like anyone. Well I do like someone. It's unrequited. Or at least thats what it seems. I mean, when we went out he acted like he liked me. I acted like teh foo.
Why can't I act the same around guys I like? Why do I turn into a little girl?
And what about all those other guys? I can excuse them away one by one.

1. We will call him Jacque. He has no balls. I can't be with a guy that I'm more manly than.
2. Theodore*. He's a submissive little bitch.
3. Julio. Drunk bastard.
4. Torres. He is so negative, the only ray of sunshine that comes from him is from his ass, where he enjoys his sodomy. Not that that makes sense to any of you, but this is my journal anyway.
5. Rupert. The least naggingly obnoxious of them all, I just don't fancy him.
6. Algernom. He's unintelligent.
7. Cicero. OBNOXIOUS!
8. Cedrik. Caustic asshole. Not the good kind.
9. Radwulf. Dumb as a brick.
10. Keanu. Liberal weiner.
11. Trifiro. Mysoginist.
12. Jaime. His voice can break glass.
13. Daemon. He has compensation issues.
14. Lucian. No backbone.
15. Didymus. Not much sharper than a bag of marbles.
16. Bram. Back to the weiner argument.
17. Diego. Too persistant. If he were bigger than me he would probably rape me.
18. Eshu. Too afraid to make any physical contact with me.
19. Anon. I think he's gay.
20. Dubno. Porn monger.

Ok, I swear to you there are more. Those are just the ones that I can count on my fingers and toes. I don't like one of them. That is right, not-a-one of them. My mother says I'll be alone forever unless I lower my standards. Well so be it, I would rather be alone than with any of them.

*Names have been TOTALLY changed

The art of seduction.

It's like riding a bike. You never forget how.

So why can't I do it anymore?

Nasty girl

I come from a long line of assholes.
(My dad grandpa and great grandpa, all fine examples)
Don't get me wrong, they are great men.

My dad, for example, has 19" biceps. He is bigger than your dad.
He was the army's greatest combat medic.
He works harder for his family than any other dad I have ever met.
I love my dad.

But with all these bastards, contributing their caustic genes to me, how can I not be inherently bitchy?
Well I am, and what I want in a fair, equal, loving relationship is a bastard.

Nice guys make me worship the porcelein gods.

I'm being punished indirectly.

Because I need to pay tithing.

No really.

So many many bad things happened to me in 2005.

January - I was chubby.

February - a friend dated an ex I still had a thing for. I know I know, not too big of a deal but it stung back then.

March - My family was stolen from me. This was on the 6th to be exact.

April - I started exercizing. AH WHY DOES EVERYTHING BAD HAPPEN TO ME?

May - I did something I knew I shouldn't have that will impact the rest of my life negatively forever.

June - I almost killed myself and 4 close friends.

July - I was too afraid to say no.

August - taken advantage of in my sleep. Borderline rape.

September - Had the worst boss of all time. Would not let me attend church.

October - rekindled with my stolen family. Cried myself to sleep every night.

November - my best friend from high school and only person who knew each and every dark secret about me died, and took those dark secrets to her grave.

December - Christmas.

I may be cynical. Maybe.
But I figured it out, I did. I'm being punished indirectly for not paying tithing. So... I'm going to pay tithing. And have a much better year.

On to something more fun

I'm totally crushing and I haven't felt this way about a boy for as long as I can remember.

12 days is equal to an eternity.

Oh I do hope he calls.

Yoga brings many-a-thoughts to my head.

I take yoga to clear my head. It's a nice change of pace. My thoughts are always more clear and as obvious as it sounds, the meditation deepens my thoughts. I have more philosophical discussions with myself during yoga than I do at church. Ha. Bad I know.
So as the teacher was instructing us, I was contemplating some recent changed in my love life.


I'm not a stereotypical nice girl
(manipulative, passive, pushover, dependant, looking for a man to complete me)
I don't like many people.
Boys fall in love with me too fast.
I know why, it's because I'm totally irresistable.
But I know what I want and I'm going to get what I want or remain celibate and unattached.
The words "give him a chance" are equal to suicide of the soul.
Flattery is not flattering.
When you worship me, put me on a pedestal, and expect me to be a stimulator of your visual interest.
What you are doing is objectifying and demeaning me.
Your superficial behavoir is not going to make me fall in love with you.
I don't need someone who has more issues than he can control. I am not his therapist.
Insecurity is not sexy, it's a turn off.
I can't relate to him. I have a dark, caustic sense of humor. My mind works in a completely different way. There are things I would never dare utter in his presence.
I don't need to hear emotionally leeching comments.
I'm not interested.